knot

I hear songs blaring from radio speakers
Saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
And some days I agree,
And some days I wish it would just kill me.
I’m tired of being strong.
And as my muscles atrophy
To fit a size XXS
I wonder if I’m disappearing.

“The saying is, Ellen
When you reach the end of your rope
You tie a knot and hold on.
But I just want to tie a noose
And get out.”

That’s morbid, I say to my mother,
As I clench her hospital bed railings
Until my knuckles go white.
I’m starting to think the ER is the only place
I go to besides work.

“Well, you have to understand
this will reflect poorly in your file
in the future”

I say Yes, to my boss, in a flat voice.
I really want to tell her
That I didn’t fucking choose this.
That I’m the only one my mother has to hold her
Hand as a nurse injects Dilaudid into her IV.
I want to tell her
That my mother cried in that hospital bed
About how much weight I’ve been carrying for so long
That my spine must be fractured by now.

She looks at me and says

“I’m sorry for your life.”

while tears form behind her glasses.
But she didn’t fucking choose this either.

And yes I know that there are parallel lines
In life if you look close enough.
Yes, there’s a reason I found a letter from
2012 while going through boxes tonight.
It was from my High School English teacher.

“El, Do NOT self-Destruct.”

But there are times that I don’t know
What else to do.
There are landmines in my brain,
Move that thought a little to your left,
And I’ll go up in shrapnel.
Sharper than glass from a whisky bottle
I threw out of my drivers-side window
Not 6 months ago.

There is a movement of location
But no movement of the pain.
I carry those landmarks in my veins.

“Don’t forget from whence you came.”

How can I? You can read his name in
The circles under my eyes.
“Made in Danville”
printed on my forearm
like a stainless steel inscription
on the bottom of a frying pan.
And a word I will not mention
Cut into my right thigh,
With an exacto-knife and
A thumbtack.
You can still see the letters
If you know what you’re looking for.